Transparency.

 October 19, 2020

Social media tends to be a place where everyone puts their best foot forward for obvious reasons. Although it might appear like I’ve got it all figured out, let me reassure you that I am human, and the more I learn, the more I realize I have so much more to learn. It makes me happy to share the things I have been able to figure out in the hopes that it can help someone else, because what’s the point of going through all this crap if it’s just to merely get through? It shouldn’t be only about making it through, but helping others along the way. THAT is the mission. 

So in complete transparency, my birthday is tomorrow and while I’m of course grateful to be on this beautiful planet another year and get the chance to raise my amazing kids, I don't look forward to my birthday. This time of year is particularly painful and challenges me more than any other season, and makes me a little hard to live with. Every year, I think I’ll get through it easier than the last, and then life throws another curve to keep the challenge alive. I was born on my mother’s birthday, and because of our long-standing role reversal, as the day approached, my thoughts immediately went to how I can make this day special for her. Fifteen years ago, I miscarried our second child and had to have a procedure the day before my birthday (15 years ago today) to remove our baby from my body. Twelve years ago at this time, I had no idea my husband would be alive for less than a month, leaving me with a baby and a toddler to raise alone, changing our lives forever. Three years ago would be the last time my mom and I shared our birthday. Two years ago, my ex-husband’s father (a wonderful, kind man) died on my birthday. And now, well, 2020, and still missing my late husband because love never dies. 

I felt guilty for feeling any of this, thinking how selfish of me to make this about me, and there are people out there who have it so much worse, but that was old conditioning I still had in practice. What I’ve learned (and am still trying to get through my head) is that it’s just as important to UNlearn certain things, and that ALL of my feelings are valid, whether anyone else thinks so or not. Maybe finally getting it out in the open and talking about it will give those feelings less power. Maybe it will empower someone else to do the same. This could be a necessary step toward further healing, and I’m going to take it because what I have figured out over the years that the only one that will show me this kind of love is me. This is where we all need to begin. Begin with you.